|
My Dear
Mani,
The clock strikes seven.
The noise and the humming of motors is stopped for the moment. Workers rush out in haste
to enjoy their interval. I sit alone heavy in heart and start writing to you in the hope
that speaking out in silence thus in this letter will relieve the pressure and give me
some comfort, One gets a little relief by weeping. That was the case with the Tennyson's
Poem "Home they brought her warrior dead". Courtesy and so called manners cons-
train one rather cruelly and restrain him from breaking out. I am in that unhappy position
all through. How I wish I could have the liberty to shed tears. Life is much too harsh and
even the right to weep and shed a tear is denied to one stricken with sorrow all in the
name of drawing room manners. Rarely do I get a chance to withdraw into myself and find my
soul. I feel happy when I am really sad and when I have cause to be sad.
I have lived my life. I
wish I had come to the end of. it. It was Rajaji who said yesterday that every child born
is really born with a capital sentence on its head. That is life.. Life gets its
fulfilment only in death. But one must have the wisdom and patience to wait 'for Him to
take away what in fact He has given. Worldly sorrows make one yearn pre maturely for what
is not his due yet. Instead of being thankful to Providence for what He has given us, we
in our greed and foolishness desire yet another favour improperly by wishing for the end
before it is time. We want to have the best of both worlds. That I know is wrong and a
grievous mistake. But I am so selfish that I want to jump out of my shadow and desire to
avoid my suffering which is only a reward for what I have done already whether consciously
or otherwise. I wish I had a little more balance earlier and conducted myself With caution
and restraint.
I do not for a moment
regret the good that it has been my privilege to do. I wish I had realised that even good
things are not immune from the laws of nature. I often ask myself as to why I did not
address myself often earlier. I have no right to blame Providence for what is happening to
me. The moving finger writes and having writ moves on. All goodness, kindness, sighs and
tears cannot wash a word of what has been written. My happiness is in the thought that our
colleges are humming with activity. No one can have any idea of my happiness when I see
the bustle of the students. My health which is poor, and wealth which is poorer and energy
which is limitless are all dedicates to this noble cause-the education of the young and
old. I am anxious to see children roaming about full of joy. That is why I am looking
forward to the opening of the Montessori classes soon. The noise of the children gives me
happiness and joy not a whir less than that I get from the activity of students of the
Engineering college in the workshop. Generations of students are all my children by
adoption. Despite all my suffering and mental anguish, I get happiness even at the thought
of the college. I am grateful to you for associating yourself in this 'none too pleasant a
task of managing these institutions. Believe me you are taking away a fair load off my
head by sharing my troubles. Well has it been said sorrow shared is sorrow halved. You
must excuse me .for giving your this load ever. Though young it is sweet of you to be so
generous. I pray for His guidance and blessings. Irrespective of consequences which look
frightening I have decided to march on with resolution, courage and faith. I expect your
sympathy and cooperation.
|